Conversations on Pain & Trauma
Good advice vs. Being Mean

Let us talk about pain and trauma. A childhood friend of mine reached out recently after reading my blog. He was offering his input and asking questions on my goals and direction where the blog was concerned. In the past, I was never open to criticism. I used to view it as a direct attack on me. I had to do a lot of work on myself to accept criticism. Now I can recognise when someone is giving good advice and when someone is mean and facetious.  

Fear of Criticism

I took a while to add a comment section to my posts. I was afraid of someone being mean and afraid of the feeling that would result. I was advised that a comment section is a great way of keeping an audience engaged. I have to say I agree because, with engagement, I get to see what the audience wants. Brent always reminds me that my work is not just about me. I may think I have a masterpiece, and then my audience might not respond the way I expected them to, so it is a delicate balance.

Criticism is not always a personal attack

I got my first dislike on one of my posts, and I am ok with that. The reader did not like something I wrote and that is allowed. It does not mean the reader did not like me and even if it does, that is ok too. I am now in a position where I am ok with it either way. This took time but I am here now. I am open to listening, criticism, feedback, and everything that goes with it. I cannot please everyone and that is fine too, I am not ice cream. Even ice cream cannot do that job.

The Important Role Of Parents

But I digress. We are talking about pain and trauma. Our conversation started with pointers about my blog and ended up with him telling me about his pain and trauma. As parents, we have such an important job with the raising of our children. We will make a few mistakes, but we must make sure we pick up as many pieces that may break and mend them back quickly. When we make decisions that may affect our children, we can communicate with them why we are making such a decision to keep them in the loop. It is important. Let us stop this authoritarian nonsense. I am the parent, and that is that. No. That will scar the child for a long time.

Conversations on Pain & Trauma - isolation

I am not sure what the relationship was with his parents, but they separated, and his mom was forced to flee from his dad. She had to leave her two children behind. That must have been hard for him. His grandparents raised him, and while they did a great job, he was still missing his parents. 

Conversations on Pain & Trauma
The Importance of Showing A Child Love

My friend revealed that he does not like to be hugged. So, I asked the question, “Were you hugged as a child?” He responded in the negative. Parents, please hug your children. Please tell them that they are enough. Please let them know they are loved. Please apologize to them when you mess up. Please let them know why you are making certain decisions. Please always have a line of communication open. Let them know they can speak with you on any matter. Let them know they have a voice, and they can be heard. I think we are out of the ‘children must be seen and not heard’ era.

Broken children become broken adults, masquerading as whole people. Some manage to find help. Some can connect their upbringing with their present situation. They can unravel the cord that keeps them bound and repair it, and braid it in a way that helps them to stand and navigate adulthood. Unfortunately, some are not.

Sorry adults, but it is our fault. We are responsible for these young, impressionable humans. Let us try to do better for them. We, too, are battling scars of our childhood. We understand that a parent will raise a child with some residue of how that parent was raised or move totally away from that system of values. Let us try to develop whole people. Let us recognise this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed.

Conversations on Pain & Trauma - better parenting

I am happy that I was able to have that conversation with my friend. He is very protective of his children, and he is working his way through his feelings. He has decided to get help, and he will be a whole adult because of it. He still does not like hugs, but that can be solved, one hug at a time.

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10 Replies to “Conversations on Pain & Trauma”

    1. Thank you for always supporting me dear cousin. I am happy that you are able to connect to my words. I like when the stories have an impression on the reader.

  1. Wonderful share, and as a parent and a child, I realize both what was done to me, and what I did have lasting effects. Unfortunately, we can”t turn the clock back, just try to do better now. Keep writing, keeps me thinking!

  2. Thank you for sharing, childhood trauma definitely leaves scars. A positive attitude and the ability to forgive can help in the healing process.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read. It means a lot to me. I agree with you, a positive attitude and the ability to forgive are important components in the healing process.

  3. Amen and amen. Well said. We need to raise whole children so we can have whole adults. Too many broken adults in the world which often lead to broken relationships hence broken family hence a continuous cycle of brokenness. Well said.

    1. I am a proponent of therapy. Too many people carry their childhood traumas into their adult relationships and the vicious cycle continues.

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